Calling Skua

…previously Barnacle published

DISCLAIMER….WE ARE NOT FOOLING AROUND HERE! You are about to board a Canadian Coast Guard Vessel – not a big one, but a very serious little one, nonetheless. This is an experiment. It could be dangerous. It may even be illegal in some jurisdictions. If you are prone to sea-sickness, I want you to skip to the next story. (I don’t need readers throwing up on my books.)

I want you to be on board our Coast Guard cutter Skua, as I was, on February 6, 1999 during the Canadian American disaster simulation code name CANAM-SAREX 2000.

For this to work you have to close your eyes and count to 22, slowly.

At the count of 8 you will begin to hear the roar of diesel engines and feel a powerful shudder running up through your body from your feet. At 13 you will add curtains of sound to that, layers of deafening aircraft noise, the grating squawk of radios and static and a lot of yelling. When you reach 19 you must somehow weave into everything else you're feeling the hiss of a choppy sea, the slap-smash turmoil of boats' wakes and flying white water driven in your face by helicopter downdrafts.

Got it? Good.

Now all you have left to do is get the wind and the rain through long underwear and into your bones.

22 PRESTO! Your eyes pop open and you are there on the Canadian Coast Guard Cutter “Skua” in British Columbia’s Plumper Sound circling a stricken Super Ferry that's spitting survivors down a chute like bright red gumballs.

You forget that this is a simulation, a complex grown-up's game - you hang on for dear life.

One moment Skua is dead in the water, taking on survivors and crews, the next second gunning forward, horn blaring and bow splitting the sea.

Are you getting confused by all of this, even a little irritated? Excellent. While you're in that state, read the following four paragraphs out loud over and over again until you really have to go to the bathroom.

(The italics are radio communications: the rest is everything else you hear.)

GO!

…go over there see if they want it towed clear�JUST GO AND FIND OUT�(Skua's OIC -Officer In Command - Ian Kyle through starboard window)�Spirit of Vancouver, this is Winnipeg�Roger, standby�I'm talking to the Hovercraft. They're going to go up and pick people right out of the liferaft�Demon 83, this is LSO over�Firewood will deliver stretcher during�(another rescue boat comes alongside; more survivors are hauled on board)�Have you offered your assistance to them yet?�Winnipeg, copy thank you�unknown����.UNKNOWN!!

…let's get a couple of them below, there's too many on deck, I can't see a thing�(Auxiliary boat 'To And Again' is now alongside; Mill Bay's 'Hardy' is approaching and Pender Island's 'Rescue 25' is standing off)�Skua Skua, Ganges One on 4-Alpha Ganges One, Skua. Cutty Hunk advises they've got nine urgent medical. Offer your assistance over�Roger that…

DAVE! KILL THE MOTOR!!

(Blankets are hauled out of of Skua's foreward cabin and wrapped around the shoeless survivors huddled our of the wind against the cabin)�have four in shock not responding, one heart attack victim. We have a pregnant lady�HAVE YOU BEEN TASKED!?�Winnipeg, Cutty Hunk go ahead�Roger Yellowknife, Skua 4-Alpha requests two deckhands�

(There are now three helicopters overhead - you have to scream to hear yourself scream.)�PUT THAT STRETCHER UP TIGHT AGAINST THE BULKHEAD�

…you have a small vessel, name To-And-Again, off your port side over�(Navy deckhands are being dispatched to Skua)�Yellowknife, this is To-And-Again�this is Yellowknife, roger copy. Come alongside my starboard side for transfer�sure a lot of aircraft in the sky..

PREPARE TO RECEIVE THESE PEOPLE!!

I neglected to tell you that you are a Barnacle reporter. At 1530 you run out of film and CANAM-SAREX 2000, one of history's largest marine disaster simulation exercises, is brought to a halt - and everyone goes home - and everything comes to a gentle end